Ruminating
How should we think about the things that anger us - the things we ruminate over? Am I justified in my bitterness? Can I deal with my frustration on my own?
Let’s Name the Issue
If you’re human, you’ve experienced the problem. Consider that one thing your spouse said that plays like a broken record in your mind, even if you forgot what sparked the conflict in the first place. Or, remember that friend’s quirks that drive you up the wall. Someone may have even severely sinned against you. There are times when the need for help has to escalate beyond you and this other person, though I will not be addressing that here. The focus here is on the mundane, everyday circumstances that become amplified in our own hearts. Often, you may find that they grow to a size beyond what they initially deserved.
You replay the conversation. You go about your day cutting onions, mowing the lawn, filling out spreadsheets, talking to close friends, and going to church, all the while ruminating on remarks or actions made. The repetition eventually creates a narrative. Somewhere in the mix, things jump from they made this rude comment to they are an incompetent bigot.
Before you know it, your own anger has done a lot more damage than this other person’s comment! Does this sound familiar?
Looping Others In
It is socially acceptable in our world to go to other people with our frustrations. You might find yourself stacking up relational debt that someone owes you, whether that be someone that’s under the same roof, a friend, or an acquaintance. There is something pleasureful to our flesh in replaying the wrongdoings of another. Yet, something else is growing amidst the short-lived pleasure of being the one in the right. When we fail to speak about our anger directly, our hearts become like stagnant water. Anger creeps into the crevices and sits. It causes moldy words to burst out towards that person the next day. It causes one to jump to conclusions about another.
Many practices of modern therapy tend to snowball these issues while taking people in one of two directions:
Seek to pacify the conflict (use of therapy as mental exercises to draw one’s focus elsewhere to think of better things) or
We seek validation of our own perspectives (use of therapy for venting or getting something off of our chests)
Now, there is value in receiving help that guides you to overlook an offense. Overlooking an offense (Proverbs 19:11) is a healthy version of this, one that comes from a learned understanding of grace. There is another kind of overlooking that is driven by pride, confirming that you are superior to others. The human heart is quick to make judgments about others, while being far less careful with our own response to an offense. Be careful with what you fixate your mind on.
That Is Not the Way You Learned Christ
The Apostle Paul gives a series of exhortations to the people of Ephesus on a new manner of life. I believe that Ephesians 4:26 is one of those exhortations that Christians in our age desperately need to listen to:
“But that is not the way you learned Christ…Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:20, 26)
These are words of wisdom. Jesus Christ came to reconcile us to one another; He came and died for every minute during which we held something over another person. And we died with him so that we could take on a new mind - the mind of Christ!
Notice that Ephesians 4:26 never says that the presence of anger in you is sinful. The Apostle Paul differentiates anger and sin, so long as we seek to deal with the matter quickly. The anger doesn’t get pacified by going to an Anger Room or punching a pillow. This is not the way you learned Christ.
Jesus came down and, in his displeasure, spoke to the heart of the issue. Ultimately, He reconciled us to God and to one another. Those who are new men and women in Jesus are no longer chained to a darkened understanding to all of life. Jesus’ life and work doesn’t translate to no longer having misunderstandings with your kid, your spouse or your friend. Christians understand that they can often draw the wrong conclusions. God gives us the means deal with conflict out in the light.
The Risk
There is risk involved in going to the person; you don’t know how they’ll respond. Yet, consider that anger, by design, is purposed to drive you back towards the person. So, do all that you can to revisit the conversation on the very same day. Walk into their room and sit with them or call them. Start with anywhere that you could have done better in the interaction at hand.These conversations can feel risky, as it informs people about the state of your own heart.
It takes humility to say that we’ve ‘made meaning’, been petty, or even allowed rightful anger to grow into sinful anger.
The chances are pretty good that the issue at hand has stuck out to both people, though. Out of care for them and for your own heart, go and revisit the conversation quickly.
What do I say?
Approach the conversation with a desire to love the other person. If the matter is unclear, be willing to doubt your doubts about this other person.
Ask a clarifying question to the other party about the matter between you.
Look for ways to show them grace and truth.
Seek to cover the offense quickly.
This might feel like a daunting task but God’s Spirit is one of peace, not condemnation. God has eternally dealt with your sin at the cross. Christ bore the penalty and died in your stead. Follow His example today.
Backlogs of Bitterness
What I believe Paul is recognizing and exhorting us to combat here is to remember that we are all humans who conceal anger in our own hearts. It may be that someone else has wronged you in significant and sinful ways. You may have a lengthy backlog. Even if the other person doesn’t change the oil on their car, that is no reason for you to not change the oil on yours. The offender may even be an exceedingly wicked person, one whom you can’t confront this evening. Even in such circumstances, there is work to be done between you and the Lord.
Is there something you’re ruminating on today? Take it first to God. And then, go to the one with whom you need to reconcile.
